Hoarders

There's a show on A&E that is about nothing but hoarders. A lot of people watch it and just think that's disgusting how can anyone live like that. I watch it and I'm like wow my brother could live there. Let's call him Slob. Some of the people on the TV show get my sympathy because they are kind of pathetic but my brother is a different case. Slob is lazy and too intelligent for his own good. I have pictures to prove how disgusting he is.

These pictures are from the office of the family cabinet shop. He had total control of the business by himself for three years. This is what happened. Keep in mind he spent most of his time in this office. It is no bigger than most studio apartments.

Now these may not look all that bad to you. Indeed they don't. This is after two hours of work in a space that is 350 sqft. That's a very small space and after two hours of work that's how much trash was left.

The trash wasn't the only thing wrong with it. There is a lot of junk. Two nonworking fridges, five printers, 3 dish recievers from the early 90's if not the late 80's and enough office supplies to run three or four businesses. The only way he ran a business was straight into the ground. He allowed a water leak to go unchecked and unfixed. The floor of the office is in ruin in the bathroom. The tile has came loose from the floor and in the kitchen area where the sink is there is no sign on the original wood of the cabinet under the sink. It's all mildew. It's disgusting. Let's not even go into the feces and unrine from the mice. Perhaps what bothers me most is the fact that Slob seems to think there is a use for this junk. I mean really, what on God's Green Earth are you going to use a nonfunctioning Yamaha mixing board for?

I honestly believe that he would be on the TV show if it weren't for his wife....Sister Holiness. She picks up after him. I don't know how she can even handle to live with him. All I gotta say is YUCK!

What happened to the good ole days?

Does anyone remember the test patterns that had the pretty colours? When the station wasn't airing anything they would be there with that little beep? Why can't Bravo just use that again? I mean really do you have to fill your airtime with Launch My Line?

So I haven't really bothered to learn the characters names. I don't see the point in even nicknaming some of them. Here's how they will be referred to:

Peg Bundy "Peg" - Merle? The fashion critic who looks like Peggy Bundy.
Slave Driver - The business lady...she makes her expert do all of the work.
Record Producer - Nuff Said
Dandy - He's a Dandy...The one with that fly glued to his face with the dee-VAH expert.
Jewelery Chick - She designs the clothes around her jewelry...really?
Lou Rawls Daughter "LRD" - Nuff Said
Jumpsuit - The blond bizzy ditch.
The DJ Dude

So on the latest installment they had picnic baskets with strange things in them. At first glance these things such as mice might appear to be things removed from the anus in the emergency room. Well later on we find out that they are a source of food for the designers source of inspiration.

Before I go into the disturbing details of the challenge this week I need to get some things out of the way. Seeing as Jumpsuit isn't a real designer she's awful damned full of herself. Where does she get off thinking she's better than the other "designers"? Where does she get off thinking she's good for that matter?

So apparently the clothes designed during the season are going to be the line launched by the winner. Please tell me they will have someone who actually knows what he or she is doing rework those "masterpieces".

Does anyone remember the old MTV cartoon Daria? It was one of the best. So the dSquared dudes both sound like the leader of the fashion club on that show. You really want to hear them say Stacy.... or Quinn.... or Is that that weird girl who lives with you?... It was cute but now its annoying because we all know that's how they really sound.

So back to the challenge. The animals that served as inspiration were:

Turtle
Tarantula
Llama
Python
Zebra
Monkey
Chinchilla
Tucan

Each of these has a good potential. Each has an element to the texture of their fur of skin that would work into a garment in a great way. It seems that colour was the only thing that registed with the designers. I mean really. Python would be gold. I mean come on sleek sexy. Chinchilla would be another great one. Meh so let's get to what I noticed when each garment came out.

Dandy/Python - Here's $2.43 in pennies. Can I get a blow job behind that dumpster? She looked like a hooker. I mean really!

Peg Bundy/Turtle - Give me less zipper and more turtle. You've watch far too many cartoons if you think a turtle gets up and puts on its shell and zips it up. I mean come on. You could have had an amazing time playing with texture and shape there. Go eat a bon bon Peg.

Jumpsuit/Chinchilla - All I have to say is that with that much volume at the bottom it looked like she was smuffling chinchillas in her britches.

Record Producer/Llama - When inspiration struck you the llama must of had a wedgie.

DJ/Tucan - Tucans are colourful. Why wasn't your outfit...well I take that back. Your peacock look was great. I'm still waiting on the tucan look.

Slave Driver/Tarantula - I didn't have anything to say...good or bad. Way to drive slaves!

Jewelry Chick/Zebra - More zebra, less belt. I guess she only did a zebra belt because she was afraid that anything else would detract from her jewelry.

LRD/Monkey - It was playful. Take that how you want.

Once again M/DP...only this week the real monkey had more sense.

Would you like a happy ending with that?

So as many of my friends know there is a hooker in Springfield that has a phone number very similar to mine. She posts on Craig's List. Check her out go to the SPringfield, MO page and look for her in the w4m adult services her ad says brooke here, let's chat. If you give her a call let me know so I know what she charges so I can use that to screw with people.

I started getting these calls in October. Her name was originall Francesca. At times people will misdial and I will get 10+ calls a day. It was very annoying at first but now I've made a game out of it. I've told some to meet me at a certain address and gave them the address of the police station. I've sent other to random hotels. I've told a few that I have an A Cup and an 8 inch penis. It bothers me when I tell a guy this and he gets really hot and bothered. Can't you tell I'm a dude? Or at least a 3 pack a day smoking woman? It's even funnier when the dumbasses that misdial cuss me out when I pull that trick. Really? I mean come on whatever they say doesn't really hurt because they aren't smart enough to dial a phone number. I feel sorry for the hooker though. I really do...I'm screwing her out of a lot of business while she's off screwing business.

Maybe I should call her up and tell her that I'll start giving people the right number for 50% of her profits.

Currently Listening To: One Word - Kelly Osbourne

Once the victim, Twice the volunteer, Thrice?

Once the victim, twice the volunteer is very very cliche. But what happens if you let yourself continutally volunteer for it. Chances are this post is going to make a lot of people mad but these thoughts have been running through my mind quite a bit today.

Most everyone has seen this in some way, shape, or form. Athletes who participate in contact sports...You have surely seen some of them that have had the sense beat out of them and in its place stupid was beat in. (This will be relevant later)

First of all, I cannot stand domestic violence, spousal abuse, or dating abuse. Let's stop feeling sorry for ourselves and do something about it rather than just letting it happen. Here's a hot button for a lot of people. The little chestnut of you should never hit a woman is bullshit. If a woman wants to put herself in a man's place and fight then she gets whatever she has coming. How's that for equal rights? If it happens once that's excuseable I suppose. If it happens more than once or on a regular basis there's a problem. The problem doesn't reside just with the abuser...if you're just standing by and accepting that treatment you need to do some serious soul searching. Everyone has a breaking point....Person A breaks your nose...break their nose...that'll teach them something. If you're so afraid it's going to escalate then LEAVE! It is possible. I am not sitting on a tall soapbox to preach this. It's a very small soapbox. I have been the victim of spousal abuse...yes that's right it was spousal abuse without the marriage license. I was punched and choked, once. I left and calmed down. When I came back I laid down the law. I told him the next time he raised a hand to me no one would ever find his body. I said this to him as he was on the floor in pain from the broken ribs that he had as a result of Old Betsy the baseball bat. He never raised a hand to me again and we were together quite a while after that happened. It wasn't the violence that broke us up.

Now about that having the stupid beat into you. I have an aunt and her first husband was abusive. Let's call the husband Peg-Leg. My aunt and Peg-Leg had children together so that means they HAD to stay together for the sake of the children. Because we all know that is always, always, ALWAYS the best thing to do. (WTF?!?!) Auntie was in the kitchen working on a chicken for dinner and Peg-Leg came into the house and got a hold of the chicken and damned near beat her to death with this chicken. She stayed with him a while longer and eventually they divorced. All of this took place in the 60's. In the 70's she met and married a new man. Let's call him Dentures. She has been with Dentures since the 70's. There have been brief periods of seperation but he's pretty much the only one. After the first marriage to Peg-Leg one would think that she would have more sense than to get herself suckered into another relationship like that. Well Dentures wasn't any better than Peg-Leg. He beat her several times over the past 30 years. He has beat all of the sense out of her and beat the stupid into her. I'm not saying this to be cruel. My aunt really is crazy and off her rocker. She really is brain damaged from the beatings. She is sweet and all but I can't stand to be around her because of the way she is and the fact that she is with one of the men who helped make her like this. She cannot see how she is but it is painfully obvious to anyone who talks to her.

Know your breaking point and don't get roped into thinking that you have to stay with anyone for any reason. If that shit is going on you need to have the balls and intelligence to get away from it some how, some way.

My soapbox is starting to crumble from me standing on it so I'll get off before it goes to shit and I fall on my ass.

Currently Listening To: Put The Needle On It - Dannii Minogue

Good Idea?

So I've always thought, "Gee, Magnus (Great name, eh? Thank you Hedon...) wouldn't it be fun to have a blog... All except for the little old problem of what the hell do I have to say? Well last night two people (who will remain nameless in the event this is a flop) said it wouldn't be such a bad idea. I ran this idea past a couple of other friends and they seemed to think it would be a good idea as well. Apparently I'm the friend that always has the interesting stores...missing dildos, topless midgets, the phone number of a call girl. Those kind of things...ya know...they happen all the time, right?

But last night in the conversation here's the idea that actually made me go through with this ordeal. I am not a reality show junkie. I am a fashion junkie. So I can't help but to watch fashion reality shows. I have been there with Project Runway from the beginning. --This past season was a whole different demon.-- I watched Bravo's replacement for PR last night "Launch My Line." I don't know about the whole Launch My LINE...How about we launch the designers into the depths of space and make the world a smarter place? What business do these people have designing clothing? Before you start the, "Well maybe they have good ideas," let me just say they may have good ideas but they are entirely too stupid to make them come to life.

Last night the designers and their experts (Yes that's right...the designers have experts. Let's put the fashion handicapped effwits who can't sew with experts who can sew and tailor.) had to create a piece that expressed the designers inspiration. So let's get inspired by a butterfly. Butterfly...Pretty...Fragile...Light...Graceful...those words come to mind when thinking of a butterfly right? There isn't a lot of substance to them they aren't a heavy and graceless. They aren't a roach for God's sake. Rather than incorporating those elements into the garment it was more along the lines of, "I was inspired by a butterfly. SEE, **Pointing to Bodice** there's a butterfly on it." Jackass.

Here's another gem from last night. Inspiration from a jellyfish. How about some more word association? Great, I knew you'd be up for it. Jellyfish...Ethereal...Flowing...Colourful...Look but don't touch(<<
Where do they find these people? Please tell me that some of these shows have their contestants fixed. This show has a mix and match cast...Fashion critic, event planner, architect, DJ, marketing directors, etc. Each "designer" (loose use) has an expert to help them execute the design. For the most part, the experts are worth their keep. With the exception of the dee-VAH with the Valentino hair. Can we shoot the bitch? Congrats, Bravo! Project Runway was amazing...Launch My Life is one hot mess. It's like a trainwreck...ya can't help but to watch it. The best way to sum up the "talent" (very loose use of the term) is YOU'RE STUPID!

In general, several reality shows rely on the monkey/doorknob principle (M/DP). It's like watching a monkey try to fuck a doorknob. A monkey has no business around a doorknob but by God he's there and he's going to try his hardest to fuck it. That my friends is the M/DP. People on reality shows have no business there but they will do their damnedest to make that show and the challenges they have their doorknob. Launch My Line is a prime example. Damn me though I am just gonna have to watch it.

Currently Listening To: Shakira - La Tortura